Fighting to be the ideal mother by juggling it all | 8 Key characteristics of the ideal mother

By Megan Dalla-Camina

Messages and conditioning from the patriarchy, along with societal narratives that flood our consciousness through movies, TV series and social media, show women that to be a ‘good mother’ means being a perfect one. She must juggle children, a partner, work, the household and her appearance.

The Superwoman archetype of the 1990s placed a particular burden on working mothers, creating an environment where admitting to exhaustion or an inability to ‘do it all’ was seen as a failure to meet the societal standards of womanhood.

When I wrote my first book, Getting Real About Having It All, in 2012, sharing honest experiences from my life and career about managing ‘all of things’ while being a single mother and a corporate executive, I was met with comments like, ‘I can’t believe how vulnerable and honest you were in the book’, as if sharing the struggles of motherhood and career were something to be ashamed of.

The Ideal Mother archetype lives her life compelled to meet impossible standards. She strives for perfection in every aspect of motherhood and in the home, balancing this with career demands. She is plagued with guilt for not being ‘good enough’, constantly questioning her decisions and worrying that she’s not meeting her children’s needs whilst being judged by mothers at school and people at work. It’s completely exhausting and, many days just feels way too hard.

The Ideal Mother faces a profound internal conflict, torn between societal expectations of motherhood and her personal aspirations and needs. Her entrenched guilt gets in the way of her career goals and leads to further guilt when she’s at home that she’s not being the ideal worker in her job.

She feels compelled to sacrifice her own needs for the sake of her family, but she still secretly wants things for herself, like success in her role at work, which she’d love if only she had more time and mental capacity. She believes her worth is measured by how much she gives. The overwhelming emotions she often feels can be paralysing and takes a toll on her mental, emotional and physical wellbeing.

The Ideal Mother feels all of this viscerally, deep within her bones. She must look like she has it together all of the time. She must take care of every need her children have as soon as they have it. And she must never let her job, her career, get in the way of her ideal mothering.

8 Key Characteristics of the Ideal Mother

Unconditional love: The Ideal Mother has unconditional and boundless love for her children. She provides emotional support, comfort and nurturing for her children and is always their safe space. She finds it challenging to turn that love toward herself, finding self-compassion hard to express.

Oppressive guilt: The Ideal Mother’s constant companion is guilt. She equates being a good mother with being a martyr. She feels guilt that she isn’t meeting her children’s every need, guilt when she’s not there when they need her, guilt even when she is. She will overcompensate to override the guilt, sacrificing her own needs and desires in the process.

Fear of parenting mistakes: She has an intense fear of making a mistake as a mother and can suffer great anxiety and stress as a result. If she makes an error or something doesn’t go as planned, it has a profound impact on her self-worth.

Navigating self-identity: Even though she may have a job outside the home, her identity is primarily fixated on being the Ideal Mother and perfect parenting. She can lose a sense of her own identity and who she is in her own right without her children. She often feels like there is no ‘me’ in the picture, only everyone else.

Impact on wellbeing: Her pursuit of being a perfect mother takes a toll on her wellbeing: emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. She prioritises her family’s wellbeing, but doesn’t take care of her own. It can lead to high stress and burnout and puts a strain on her relationships as she can have an underlying sense of resentment.

Striving for perfection: There is no ‘good enough’ mothering for the Ideal Mother. She must have perfection in every element, tirelessly striving to meet unattainable standards, not just for herself, but for her children as well.

Self-judgement: Her inner critic magnifies every parenting misstep, perpetuating her self-doubt and amplifying her self-judgement. She constantly feels inadequate and tells herself that she will never meet the expectation of what a perfect mother looks like.

Career challenges: The Ideal Mother can feel great inner conflict in trying to balance the needs of her job with her maternal responsibilities. She may not fully pursue her career goals and dreams for herself as she puts herself last on the list.

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About Megan Dalla-Camina

Megan Dalla-Camina is an award-winning women’s leadership and empowerment expert, celebrated for her innovative and insightful work helping women rise. With two decades as a corporate executive at global giants including IBM, GE, and PwC, and over a decade as a founder and entrepreneur, Megan has shaped a distinct path in women’s leadership.

As the Founder and CEO of Women Rising, she directs her extensive knowledge and passion toward supporting women to create clarity and purpose, build confidence and become authentic leaders who own their power. Her Women Rising program has empowered over 10,000 women in 63 countries, collaborating with major corporations like Microsoft, Accenture, and BMW.

A best-selling author of four influential books, Megan’s research, writing, teaching and coaching have not only earned her international acclaim but also sparked vital conversations about women’s roles in leadership and life. She has been honoured by the Women’s Economic Forum for her contributions to women’s empowerment, recognised as Woman of the Year and Mentor of the Year by B&T, and won the 2024 Telstra Best of Business Award for Accelerating Women. Her holistic, science-backed leadership and empowerment models encourage women to lead authentically and sustainably and create success on their own terms. Megan has been featured in hundreds of media outlets around the world including Forbes, Marie Claire, CNN, Fast Company, and her weekly column on Psychology Today has more than 2 million readers.

Her latest book, Women Rising: The Forces That Hold Us Back. The Tools To Help Us Rise is set to create a revolution for women on leadership, work and womanhood. It’s being hailed as ‘life-changing’ and is the manifesto and how-to book that millions of women have been waiting for.

Megan’s commitment extends beyond business; her philanthropic efforts support women-focused charities. She holds two Master’s degrees, in Business Management and Wellness & Positive Psychology, the Inner MBA from NYU, and she is a current PhD researcher in Women’s Spirituality and Leadership at the California Institute of Integral Studies.