By Amy Carroll
In the office & at home, never say you are sorry…
Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for politeness and taking responsibility when you’ve made a mistake. Though, in many cultures, people have a habit of saying sorry for all sorts of things they don’t need to be sorry for. Some people do this more than others.
Here’s a simple test to find out if you’re a ‘chronic over-apologiser’:
Do you find yourself apologising for things that are not under your control? If so, you might be one of those serial apologisers.
The hidden danger in saying sorry and why you want to change this habit:
Apologising too frequently can make you come across like a Prey* and trigger a Predator*reaction from others.
*From a communication perspective, the definition of a Prey is someone who projects too much respect for others and too little respect for themselves. This makes the Prey appear vulnerable, triggering others to mistreat them. The Predator is someone who holds too little respect for others and too much respect for themselves. This comes from the Predator, Prey, Partner® model: watch here.
Assuming this has raised your awareness and given you the motivation to kick the “sorry” habit, here’s how to do it:
Instead of saying sorry or apologising, thank the other person.
For example, if you’re late:
“Thanks for waiting”
“Thanks for your patience”
“Thanks for your understanding”
If you get corrected:
“Thanks for your explanation”
“Thanks for your support”
The more you practice this, the more you will command respect from others.
Warning: those who know you well and are accustomed to your overuse of the word sorry may be destabilised by this change. They may even get a bit nasty or sarky. It’s important to be prepared for this. The good news is that it’s an indication that they are noticing a shift in your behaviour. You’ll need to ride it out and after a few exchanges, they will probably recalibrate to a more respectful style of interacting with you.
Caveat: Of course, there is a time and place when “I’m sorry” or “my apologies” is exactly what is needed. The way you determine this is to ask yourself “Am I wanting to say sorry because I feel uncomfortable or because this person genuinely deserves/wants/needs to hear an apology?” Obviously, you want to do it for the latter reason.
Top Tip
Remember this change probably won’t feel comfortable or natural to begin with and for a little while every bone in your body will want to drop to the ground and scream, “I’M SO SORRY, I DIDN’T MEAN IT, PLEASE FORGIVE ME!!”
You don’t have to like doing it, enjoy it or feel authentic. Do it anyway, for your self-respect. Eventually, you’ll feel more comfortable and confident breaking your sorry habit and greater respect from others will be the reward!
For more on how to upskill your leadership influence, check out my resources page and upcoming events.
About the author
Amy Carroll is a business coach and motivational speaker, specialising in leadership and positive influence.
Follow Amy Carroll here: IG: Amy Carroll Coach | Linkedin: Amy Carroll Coaching | www.carrollcoaching.com
