“Oh, it’s so obvious, what you want to do is, blah blah.” “Well, what you should do is xyz.” We’ve all done it, said it and been told it, haven’t we? ”What you need to do is” or “What you should do is” etc. Well, in fact, what we should do most of the time is ask a question vs tell our friends/colleagues/family what it is they should do.
Hmm – not always easy I know. Time is short and it seems quickest to just tell vs ask but just think about when someone last said to you “now, it’s obvious, what you should do is xyz” and I bet you there was a part of you that was thinking “grrr, how do you know what I should do?”
Imagine if you went to the Optician and explained that you’re finding it a strain to read close work these days or that you can’t see the bus even when it’s at the stop – bus, what bus? After listening to you for a couple of moments, the Optician says “aha, you should try these” and takes off their glasses and hands them to you saying “now then, these work a treat for me, really great. Use these and you’ll see much better. I know I do.”
Steven Covey uses this example in his brilliant book “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” and in the chapter entitled “Seek First to Understand” he poses the question – Whose Glasses Are You Wearing? It’s good to question yourself before you decide if the advice you’re given, however well-meaning, fits for you – especially if the advice-giver is less than a great example of a success in this area themselves! Hmm, sound familiar?
Good old questions generally help people so much more than dishing out advice “Tell me a bit more about that” or “What else have you noticed?” or “when did it start?” etc. This is also a nicer way of being in the world rather than being a Quick Fixer” or – even worse – an Out-Trumper saying things like “Well if you think you’ve got a problem, try this for size” – someone who tries to out-trump you with their problems! Crikey, no thank you.
There’s always a rub, though. At a party recently, after asking a chap (who shall remain nameless but let’s just call him Hugh R Dull) a number of questions about himself and his connection to the host, his career etc – after about 20 minutes of centre-stage droning on about himself I finally asked him “so Hugh, what would you like know about me?” – he was, momentarily, stumped. Result. Not for long however but long enough for me to say – “oh, and Hugh, is that the time? I must go and top up my glass.”
About the Author
Kay White is our Show Up & Sparkle blogger. Known as the Savvy & Influential Communication Expert for Women in Business and author of The A to Z of Being Understood, Kay shows professional women how to be seen, heard and valued at work.
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