By Kate Davis, Leadership Coach
There will always be moments throughout your life where you question everything; should I have said that? Did I deliver that in the right way? Was I too harsh / not harsh enough?
Or the biggest question of all: Did I really just do that?
When we are faced with making decisions, the after-effects can often feel worse than making the decision.
We can feel exhausted, experience a sense of mild nausea, a banging head, a craving for sandwiches, or crisps, or chocolate buttons. Or a crisp and chocolate button sandwich.
You may feel shaky, or have butterflies in your stomach. Or you may feel like you drank one too many cocktails or G&Ts last night.
This is what’s known as a vulnerability hangover, and tends to kick in after you’ve done something you’ve always wanted to do; resigned your perfectly decent job so you could start your own business, applied for the dream job or promotion, agreed to speak at a seminar, or had a tough conversation with a loved one.
It happens when you have stepped outside your comfort zone and admitted to yourself, and the world, that you want more.
You might be familiar with this feeling, it usually follows making a major life change. It’s a confusing mix of fear, exhilaration and exhaustion.
It’s the gut-wrenching, exhausting feeling you get when you decide to get real about who you are, what you really want and how you express it. You have yet to find out what this means for you, or the realisation of it just plain wipes you out.
But bear with me. Vulnerability is a good thing.
Brene Brown coined the term in her TED talk ‘the Power of Vulnerability’.
She says: “it is only when we expose ourselves that we have experiences that bring purpose and meaning to our lives. Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change”
Vulnerability is taking a risk and as such, it is courageous and is at the heart of growth.
If you are looking for growth, either personally, in your career or in business, vulnerability hangovers will naturally, and continuously, come with the territory.
That doesn’t mean that you have to roll over and give up. It means that you have to learn how to harness the feelings of a vulnerability hangover.
As a Leadership Coach, here are my top tips to help you cope with that Vulnerability Hangover.
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Have a word with your inner imposter
Whatever you are planning, or have actually done – it will not be as bad as your mind monkeys are telling you. Trust me.
Your inner imposter will appear every time you step out of your comfort zone, and bring all his friends with him to really stick the boot in.
But if we can reframe it and change our perspective, all will feel much better. If you are able to accept that the worst might happen, it actually reduces the anxiety you may be feeling. Rather than focussing on the negative, reframe your mind by thinking of the outcome. Instead of thinking ‘I might make a fool of myself’, focus on the outcome ‘YES! I got the promotion I wanted.’
It’s a small shift, but a powerful one. Your mind monkeys will over-exaggerate and let your thoughts overpower you, leaving you in analysis paralysis. If you can learn to accept that the worst could happen but then do it anyway, you will neutralise the panic and the anticipation.
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Focus on your ‘Why’
Keep a visual reminder of your purpose and why you feel driven to do the Big Scary Thing. This could be a vision board, a quote on your phone, sticky notes on your computer screen – whatever makes your heart pound that little bit more. This will be a regular reminder of why your actions matter.
When I’m having a wobble, this quote from Marianne Williamson keeps me going.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?
Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do.”
If you fear what people will say, or hold your tongue for fear of reprimand then you aren’t changing the world or carving your own path. You’re not following your dreams and then you’re getting frustrated because you’re not where you truly want to be.
Reminding yourself why it is important to speak your truth will help to push you out of your comfort zone and go and find the magic.
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Learn to love the feeling
In the same way that embracing your inner imposter is a sign that you are pushing yourself further, learning to accept and even love the vulnerability hangover means that you no longer fear the headache and the need for a whole tub of ice cream.
These feelings are a very small price to pay for the incredible joy that your vulnerability brings you, as well as the peace of mind you will bring to others.
So go and get stuck in, fill your cup up and go for it!
About the author
Kate Davis is a Leadership Coach and mentor for established, creative business owners who have hit a financial or emotional ceiling and want to push through the plateau. She is an ICF accredited coach, a business architect and change maker with over 25 year’s experience in mentoring, leading teams and managing operations.
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