The art of emotional mastery is a lifelong process!
Self-regulation is defined as “The ability to understand and manage one’s behaviour, emotions, and reactions to various situations. It involves controlling impulses, maintaining focus, and adjusting behaviours to align with personal and societal goals.”
(Thanks Perplexity!)
Unfortunately, this is something few of us are taught, or even conscious of. Yet it can be a crucial and beneficial skill for ourselves and our relationships!
It might even mean the difference between getting that promotion or being fired, between celebrating years of (mostly) happy union or a painful divorce.
The great news is that we can constantly improve our ability to respond (vs react) in heated or even disturbing discussions.
“Is working on mastering our emotions ever finished???” I hear you ask… Probably not, though in my experience it gets a lot easier. Here are a few ways to make the learning curve less grim and more fun.
One of the more challenging issues many of my business clients struggle with is taming their inner critic. You know that voice in your head that is constantly giving its unsolicited opinion on your behaviours, decisions, mistakes, etc? Yeah, that one!
Upon waking up and still horizontal, I used to have the habit of reviewing my prior day through the lens of my inner critic. This gal would pop up out of nowhere, giving her rather harsh opinion on where I screwed up, how I was being too selfish or lazy etc. (I’m telling you; she was brutal at times!) Not a great way to start the day.
As you can imagine, this led me down an unhealthy path to more negative thoughts, which in turn led to negative actions. For example, eating comfort food to feel better, having no motivation to exercise, snapping at a colleague, store clerk or my personal favourite, yelling profanities at my computer! This of course gave my inner critic even more juicy examples to judge me, and the cycle continued.
Now I’m not suggesting we shouldn’t take inventory, or assess what’s working or what needs to be improved. However, I’m a firm believer that using a gentle, kinder approach to self-reflection can lead to healthier thoughts, healthier actions, and greater emotional mastery and bring us closer to the goals we want to achieve with less pain and suffering along the way.
“When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.” – Winston Churchill
Here’s how you can shake off your inner critic…
Whenever you catch yourself thinking an unproductive, harsh or negative thought, say to yourself out loud “New choice!” and choose a new thought, regardless of how silly or playful it may sound. You may need to say “new choice!” multiple times before you find a kinder thought. If you are stuck, imagine the person who is your best cheerleader, the person who thinks you are the “cat’s meow” (that was my mum’s way of saying “You’re the best!”) and imagine what new choice they would offer.
The goal is to become aware of your pattern and break the harsh, negative thought process with lightness and fun. Often this more positive energy will motivate or inspire you to change your behaviour without a browbeating from the inner critic. Here are some examples:
1:
IC: “Geez Amy, you’re being so lazy”
Amy: “New Choice”
IC: “WOW Amy, you’re such a Zen master”
or
“Geez Amy, that is a great sloth impersonation”
(Repeat as many times as you like)
2:
IC: “Amy, why do you always want everything your way???”
Amy: “New Choice”
IC: “Amy, you should get people to hire you to create their perfect days!”
or
IC: “Amy, you just love to create heaven on earth don’t you?!”
Just the silliness of your new choices will likely put a smile on your face, giving you a bump of energy and the motivation to do the thing you were putting off or the willingness to be less self-focused, like in the examples above.
The next time you hear that critical voice, pause, declare “New choice!” and enjoy being one step closer to emotional mastery.
Here are two short videos explaining the importance of and how to take control of your inner critic (click the images to play).
In the first video, I’m going to teach you how to upgrade your inner critic’s job to stop them from sabotaging you in those moments of stress!
In this second video, you’ll discover my advice when your inner critic insists, and you need to get them off your back – literally!
For more on how to upskill your leadership influence, check out my resources page and upcoming events.
About the author
Amy Carroll is a business coach and motivational speaker, specialising in leadership and positive influence.
Follow Amy Carroll here: IG: Amy Carroll Coach | Linkedin: Amy Carroll Coaching | www.carrollcoaching.com
