Does dealing with a challenging situation sometimes leave you in a state of high stress, especially if the conversation isn’t going your way?
Perhaps there’s something that needs to be resolved and the person on the other end of the phone isn’t complying as you’d like them to! You know, the faulty internet connection, the cancelled flight, the urgent car issue that can only get repaired in 2 weeks… the list goes on. Any of these exchanges can test your patience and send you into a spiral of frustration. In turn, you may lose control of your emotions, choice of words or tone of voice. This is the fast train to a communication breakdown!
It’s in these times that our Partner* Powers are most needed. *For our purposes, the definition of Partner (from a communication perspective) is showing high respect for yourself, and high respect for the other simultaneously and comes from the Predator, Prey, Partner® model
Let’s examine what might be getting you into trouble…
What you say counts. When under stress or feeling challenged, you may use words and language veiled with sarcasm, even threats or attempt to manipulate the other to get a certain outcome. These behaviours can easily derail the conversation.
What’s equally problematic is how you say what you say; using a defensive or aggressive tone, a faster-than-normal pace, interrupting the other or not allowing them to interrupt you.
This ‘what & how’ packaging will not likely get you the desired results you want and can lead to a communication disaster.
The reason you likely react this way is due to conditioning and habit. Most of us developed these strategies when we were wee poppets. Lack of awareness is a major reason you may be shockingly unconscious of how harsh, rude or mean others perceive you.
Here’s the good news…new skills are learnable and habits can be upgraded. (As a recovering Predator I’m living proof of this.)
What needs to be upgraded and how do you do it?
Here’s the what
Avoid using:
- Always
- Never
Certain qualifiers will trigger a negative response. Even if it truly feels like “always” or “never” to you, the other person will find that one exception. Besides something doesn’t have to be absolute for you to request a behaviour change.
But
There is something about this coordinating conjunction (yes that is the fancy grammatical definition for this word) that will put most people on the defensive. You may not be one of them, though I still advise you, as I do my business clients, to work on removing it at 100% for the ease of the exchange, especially under pressure or when delivering bad news.
Why
Using the word “why” in regular exchanges may not be problematic. Though in delicate conversations or when dealing with someone who is easily offended, using the word “why” may leave them to feeling blamed or judged and put them on the defensive.
Reducing or eliminating these words demonstrates a kinder, more respectful approach. Additionally, asking questions will show interest, and curiosity and give others time to express themselves.
Here’s the how:
Perhaps even more important than the actual words, is the tone and speed with which you speak. I call this the ‘packaging’. In order to not sound defensive or hostile, purposefully relax your face, add a soft smile and speak slower by adding frequent pauses (1-second pause approx. every 5-7 words).
“Good afternoon Mrs Philips”… (pause)
“This is Amy Carroll calling about my pet octopus, Ralph”… (pause)
“As you may know I’ve called several times”… (pause, soft tone)
“For an emergency appointment”… (pause)
The point of going this slow is that by controlling your speed, you’re also controlling the energy of the exchange. As a result, this slower speed is less likely to trigger a fight/flight response in the other person and can help you to feel calmer too.
Here’s the frustrating part… these pauses may encourage the other person to interrupt you. In this moment, your job is to allow yourself to be interrupted and avoid interrupting them. (I know, I know it’s not fair!).
As for the tone, if you’re speaking to someone who you find really irritating, imagine you’re speaking to someone you know well and really like. This will warm up the tone of your voice and signal to your adversary a sense of care and respect which may also soften their response! Bingo!!
If you want to hear more about the power of the pause, head to this episode of my radio show: Transformation through mindful speaking, featuring Alan Carroll.
Practise these techniques 3-5 minutes per day in low stress conversations so you’re ready for those challenging situations.
For more on how to upskill your leadership influence, check out my resources page and upcoming events.
About the author
Amy Carroll is a business coach and motivational speaker, specialising in leadership and positive influence.
Follow Amy Carroll here:
IG: Amy Carroll Coach | Linkedin: Amy Carroll Coaching | www.carrollcoaching.com
